2016: Chapter 1

29 take #4 

If i learned anything about myself in the past 30+ years, it's if and when i feel like doing something, i should do it otherwise that want, need and desire withers away and dies a horrible unspoken death.

This morning i woke up and decided to make a cup of coffee and write, granted i had to type which gives me zero to no pleasure at all, but how else would i be able to share with you lovely creatures of curiosity what's going on in my brain.

there's something about writing that allows me to express better, could be the smudges of wet ink or pencil, which i find unfathomably sexy. Or it could be the fact that part of you goes into the paper as your letters curve one by one to make a little dance on a flat surface making it come alive.

Bah humbug! i digress! I sit here at my light brown dining table surrounded by everything our cozy apartment has to offer, 2 fluffy cats, color coordinated furniture, a view of green and blue, and it all feels like a watermark background or a clipping from "Better Homes" magazine. For some reason the need to play music is not hovering over my head, strange.

Selfless good deeds & what of them

In a conversation i was having earlier i found myself saying the following "There is no such thing as a selfless good deed, everything we do is selfish and that is not a negative thing."

As the conversation got deeper and as we explored where this thought came from, i found that i had so many questions and points, that were not necessarily backing up my point but also contradicting it. So i rushed back home to write..

It's not easy to B

I can't remember if i read this somewhere, or i saw it in a movie, but it has never made more sense..

'it's not easy making friends and the older you get the harder it becomes'

Not for the fact that people become more judgemental, nor the fact that they become harder to please and embrace, but for the simple fact that we know what we want and what we don't want.
As is the way with anything you like or dislike, you simply choose to expose yourself to something or disregard and move on.

That Particular Time

'Yet another reflectional post, adapted to Alanis Morissett - That Particular Time , this may or not be my story. Give it a read & let me know.

Like everyone with a sound mind, I have my very own, well devised foundations, they were rocked when you entered. So bluntly, so inexcusably, so breathtakingly strong.

As a firm believer of trial & error – learn from your mistakes; my tried and true way to deal was to vanish. I simply walked away; I didn't need to or want to, consciously cause myself hurt or pain.

Late Night Rambles 1

*This had no tittle, had no date..but I can safely say it was early 2000's*

The sun is shinning..yes..But i'm shrugging an inner coldness, that can only stress the winter of my own discontent ..It makes my skin flaky & goosebumps invade my body..

A feeling of scary loneliness..i'm not alone but that never meant i'm not lonely..Sitting here, i have lots to say & i know few who'd listen, & i understand why they'd want me to talk..The question is, would i?

That One Person

If you’re lucky enough to have met that one person that raises the bar for you, be wise enough to hang on to them with your teeth, they're a keeper.

Now I say lucky because sometimes the nature of said relationship makes you wonder about life, yourself, your future, where you see yourself. It can have the ability to make you want to be the best person you can, in EVERYTHING you do & at every moment. Which is ALWAYS a good thing.

And that person is a keeper for the mere simple reason that they effortlessly push you to become a better person. They change you not because they want to, but because you want it bad enough that even once (& if) it’s all over you will never regret it nor will you feel foreign to yourself. You will just be a refined version of you.

This person may come as frequent as seasons, as often as a blue moon, on a bus you fail to miss, in the corner of a bookshop, in the most boring lecture ever, while filling out an application, it can even be the person in front of you in a cue.

Point is, it is unexpected, it’s not always noticeable, & it's unapologetic. Be open & accepting, allow yourself to love & be loved, to give & receive. You owe to yourself, you owe to the person.

There is no reason to block things out, there's no reason to stop a natural flow, & whether your stream ends up merging into the river of life, or if it goes back in to the ground it will still be full of valuable resources it's a win/win situation my friend.

My court..My rules

This is a very old piece i wrote, it's taking me time to type up my writings..bear with me this is back from early 2000..



You are the most beautiful creature i know and will ever know. You are a celestial being sent down from the heavens to sooth souls and embrace them with your warmth. Earth without you is a living hell. God blessed me with your presence and enlightened me with the thought of you. Without you, existance is simply meaningless.

Orange VS Zain

Let's start off by saying i've been with Zain since they were FastLink & have been a client for the past 10 years & any friend or relative that comes for a visit gets a Zain Line as a suggestion from yours truly.

i'm going to try and will succeed in being fair, cuz i know NO ONE nor am related to nor affiliated with ANYONE who works in either companies.

My problem is i'm not a super geek, يعني بالعربي, لو عطوني كل اللي عم بدفع حقّو و زيادة أو نصّو ما عندي أي فكرة بس مشاكلي هم هدول
This is a ONE fine day's experience

I HATE getting dressed

i hate the whole process of it -
You have to dress according to what area in Amman - Jo you’re going to..Where you ‘MIGHT’ go to.. Where you will drive to get there..who you might encounter & of course if you’ll be walking or valet’ing it

As an Arab female getting dressed for work is a piece of cake, BUT the area my job is located at - forget about ittttt - anything that remotely shows skin ie; face, hands, feet will hollard at, stared at - مش لجمالي بس صار حق عام

Amman Guys have a new pick up line?

So i’m not a fan of pick up lines, if you want to say something be creative, be different or at least be yourself.


but i noticed recently guys in Amman ‘EXPECT’  a girl to get all excited that said boy is talking to her, & he also ‘EXPECTS’ a yes on almost everything..
No, if I’m not in the mood to talk to you, or if I’m spoken for it’s a NO on that m friend & it should be OK - but noooooo recently here’s what happened

Are you still mad? Part III

'This is a reflectional post, the song Are you still mad - Alanis Morissette has no video or story. so i gave it one'

in no way shape or form is this my own, (maybe a lil ^_*) carry on - enjoy and lemme know what u think.


Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time? Not demeaning your manhood at all, but I felt some decisions I should take care of. I could’ve been wrong, but I had to keep a form of control. I didn’t want to be completely dependent and completely independent and you know how I felt about the grey area. Back then I was obsessed with being in control of every minute, I wouldn’t know what to do if something didn’t go according to plan. Now I found life goes easier on me if I let go and just accept the little bumps in the road.

Are you still mad? Part II

'This is a reflectional post, the song Are you still mad - Alanis Morissette has no video or story. so i gave it one'

in no way shape or form is this my own, (maybe a lil ^_*) carry on - enjoy and lemme know what u think.


Still sitting before me i continue by asking him.. 

Are you still mad I had an emotional affair? It was not what you thought at all. I would never leave you. I was simply reacting to something I found fascinating, and the chances of me leaving you for a figment of my wild imagination and subconscious was so unbelievably low. You didn’t know that back then but now, now all my infatuations revolve around you. 

Are you still mad? Part I

'This is a reflectional post, the song Are you still mad - Alanis Morissette has no video or story. so i gave it one'

in no way shape or form is this my own, (maybe a lil ^_*) carry on - enjoy and lemme know what u think.

I sat and waited, waited for him to return. True he hasn’t been back for what seemed like a few days but in reality they’re 3 years. I thought of everything I would say, I carefully studied every plan A, B or C I would use according to his answers, glares or even him walking away from me.

I want to be a Ballerina - Part II

At the Auditions:

I go in there & before anything starts, I'm super excited & I remember Saturday night fever, dirty dancing, grease, swan-lake, rent, beauty & the beast, Phantom of the Opera (all the musicals that made me WANT to dance)

I want to be a Ballerina - Part I

As a lil girl, I was typical I suppose. I wanted to have a pony, be a princess, be a ballerina & drink cosmos on the beach. What? Uhh yeah..blame Melrose Place..no my fault kthx.

Take me out of the damn concrete

It's so sad that all we have now is all this concrete.


It's heartbreaking, I remember moving to Jordan almost 15 years ago & it was all hilly & green. 

All these 'sand storms' & 'asthmas' people are suffering from are simply due to all the construction we are refusing to logically end(or at least pause).

When NO means NO & not a MAYBE..

Boy meets girl, girl goes out with boy, girl decides that they're not compatible, girl says NO, guy thinks *SCOOOOORE* uhummm what? Reverse a bit there cowboy – NO means what?

Chapter Two: Dude where's my car... & passport?

THE DRAMA:

We looked at each other and wondered oh dear effin god - We asked where his "friend" was, there was no one! We had to wait for a random car..!!! he opened the trunk & at least 5 men who looked like oil mechanics with a serious smoking addiction & hygiene issues dashed to collect our luggage.. 'HOLD IT' I yelled, 'no one do anything..where's your friend? & close the goddam trunk. You said you had *someone* waiting for us here, where is he?" "mafi 7addaaaaaa" no one is here..!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter One: Dude where's my car... & passport?

I like to think of myself as a girl that can handle herself when traveling. Not the first time i travel by land, but might as well be the last time I do so. Paying extra money to be treated in a better & a more human & civilized way by plane sounds more than appealing. The past 3 days made me re-evaluate my priorities in many aspects of traveling. Went to Lebanon for the weekend, me and my friends, some flew in from Dubai, unfortunately we took a car from Amman/Jordan.

Where did this laziness come from?

I'm super lazy & I've been procrastinating one thing too many.

I used to commend myself on being able to juggle different errands & deadlines.
but since i haven't had much to do for a while it seems i can't even do more than one thing at the same time :-/

My sleeping hours have increased to well over 8hrs - I'm always too exhausted

is it the heat? I hate using ACs & fans give me a headache & make me nauseous, but then again I can't sleep when it's too hot. I'm confused, incoherent & bothered.

is it a pattern I've sunken into? i Have been doin minimal work for a while now that i feel i can't do the bigger tasks without breaking a sweat ..

i don't get it, don't like it, need to change it..help?

-B