Stuff My Mum Says

Episode 13
Mum: are u sleeping? wake up!
B: no mum i'm up..
Mum: good, so i fixed ur flight & arranged for everything, and..
B: woah woah woaaaah when did i have a prob..(breathe B, breathe) what did u do?
Mum: u're now leaving on the 17th of Nov on wed.
B: ummm i can't i have work on Sun & Mon
Mum: u can do it from here..
B: mum, (breathing) i have work at the station.
Mum: so you can do it over the phone or ooooooo we can go to MBC & borrow their studio :-D loool
B: don't lool plz & also it's not magic, that's not how it works.
Mum: well tell them.
B: i did they said no. (Apparently thay can do that)
Mum: just don't show up then. i mean we changed the flights so we can fly everyone to come see u
B: O_o am i dying? why is EVERYONE flying out to see me..!!!!!
Mum: yes your aunts n uncles..
B: mum no. what are u saying..take a minute, think about this
*click* she hangs up.. to be continued i guess..or she'll call me back AFTER she cancels everything

Episode 12
Mum: hi
B: mum can't chat my laptop is crashing
Mum: well i'm just appalled.
B: oh good God now what?
Mum: don't lie to me bcuz you're toooooo BUSY to talk to your own mother.
Mum: Jibber-Jabber (polite word for BS!)- how are u on msn?
B: magic..crash
Mum: see? SEEEE - this is what happens to those who are rude to their mums..KARMA YA BANA
B: ok seriously woman..
Mum: yes seriously..i'm your mother, i gave birth to you (cue record..) too busy to talk to meeeee
B: well i am live on the radio..!!
Mum: oh well in that case, play Frank Sinatra or Elvis..
B: 0_o *brain crash*

Episode 11
Mum: I like this Lady GaGa song.
B: (shocked she actually knows Lady GaGa's songs) which one?
Mum: Pepperatzi.
B: uhuuumm..mama it's not pepperatzi, it's not food. hahaha
Mum: shuuuuuuuu lakan. (what then?)
B: it's paparazzi.
Mum: police in italian, yes.
B: no mum not police, the photographers who hunt stars.
Mum: :-s
(don't ever confuse my mum it can NEVER lead to anything good)
B: the photographers who followed Diana in the tunnel & killed her.
Mum: yeeeeeeeeeee..nseeeeeeet (oh i forgot) how silly of me, no i'm not silly - it's Alzheimer lool
(at this point you don't correct her or say anything - EVERYTHING will backfire)
B: plz read these kthx "stuff my mum (you) say"
Mum: i will KILL YOU f u publish our talks. its like hanging our wash 4 the neighbors
B: haha - (mentioning it live on air)
Mum: well that was awfully daring of you (جريئة لوول)
(her words not mine haha)
Mum: i'm reading "the stuff my mum says" i'm funny - of course they know i'm old - how old am i? 63 ?
B: no mum 62
Mum: are u sure? i think i'm 63
B: 1948.. soooo... math?
Mum: do you guys have sale in Jordan now?
B: okayyyyy i guess we're changing the subject - i don't know..cuz i..
Mum: u know we don't say Argeeleh here, we say hubbly bubbly..
annnnnd the topics keep changing - she gets bored of me & signs out -_-

Episode 10
B: hey mum..what are these scars?
Mum: umm i don't know.
B: well did i get them as a child?
Mum: yup
B: where u there?
Mum: yup
B: so what are these scars (rolls eyes - u sometimes have to ask more than once)
Mum: you got them at the hospital
Mum: yes when we faked your operation
Mum: aiiiiiiish u're goin deaf? whennn weee fakedddd your needed your tonsils removed, we admitted you, sedated you, fed you ice cream..the works..oh happy times
B: happy times for whooooooooom? & why was i never informed? omg..what's wrong with u ppl..!! no wonder i needed therapy!!
Mum: oh Jibber-Jabber (polite word for BS!)..u were too young & the doc. didn't know what he was saying..
B: naturally ur PHD came in handy,,
Mum: don't be rude
B: RUDE? more like apalled..but hey since they didn't cut, why do i have THESE scars?
Mum: ooooooooo these..that was another time..
B: i don't wanna know mother..cake?
Mum: oh yes plzzzz..but a small piece for you dear..u know..a minute on the lips forever on the hips

Episode 9
after my mum left at 2pm on a 2 hour phone rings at 5pm
Mum: hello?
B: are u home?
Mum: nop
B: delay?
Mum: nop
B: uhumm..ok i give up explain
Mum: the plane landed in the wrong place.
B: what?
Mum: the plane didn't go home, it went somewhere else.
B: the plane was wrong? or did u get on the wrong flight?
Mum: might transit.
B: AND IT MIGHT NOT..!! can u ask someone
Mum: well i'm askin u..
B: walk towards a counter with ppl, and ask.. (waits a minuter of 2) HELLO..!!
Mum: yes..
B: are u gonna ask?
Mum: wait they have nice offers in the duty free..
B: maybe u should stay there..apply for a job..move there!
she's fine now..don't worry :-]

Episode 8
for no reason what so ever i decide to call my mum up at 11am to check on her flight
B: hello mum?
Mum: you were expecting someone else?
B: (rolls eyes - a simple yes wud do but nooo) can you please check when your flight is.
Mum: today.
B: (rolls eyes..thank u captain obvious) ok and time?
Mum: 11.
B: mum does it say 11 or 23.
Mum: 11
B: can you please check
Mum: i'm not a child, but fiiiiine..14!
B: what?
Mum: what?
B: mum that means 2pm
Mum: uhummm.. *giggles* ok i have to go pack love youuuuuu...

Episode 7
B:  i'm getting a cat >_> <_<
(silence) >_<
Mum: what on earth for
B: to eat..
B: to keep mum to keeeeeep, i'd like some company.
Mum: ur at work all day, out all night & only sleep at home..
B: i do NOT..i'll have u know that i spend loads of time home
Mum: do u know when cats are left alone they piss over everything & ruin furniture?
B: mum..i'm not getting termites with a bladder problem..! they will be trained.
Mum: well i think u should start small..where's that cute cactus u had.
B: oh great bring up the one thing i killed
Mum: well that's that..if you're bored pick up a hobby or a job or OOOO you should find urself a guy...
*walks away*

Episode 6
B: i think i'm gonna ask for a raise
Mum: YES YES..ok so this is what u do..
B: mum it's ok - i'm just working out when/what to say.
Mum: now silly..b4 i leave
B: you do know they won't pay me the minute i ask
Mum: they should
B: in what world
Mum: well - anyway..also for voice over u should ask for a 100Jds a minute
B: 0_o uhum i'm not a professional just i really can't, everyone starts small..
Mum: oh shoot for the moon, shock them then bargain
B: u do know it's not بطاطا (potato) or سوق خضرا بالحسبة (market) *giggles*
Mum: tsk tsk you will never be anything if u keep that attitude up
B: normal attitude?
Mum: you should ask for a lot & then they either take it or leave it
B: & when they leave it?
Mum: you find urself a rich man.
B: oh here we go..repeat episode 2 -_-

Episode 5
Mum: when are u coming home?
B: i am home
Mum: oh, well what are u gonna do?
B: I'm tired, gonna sleep. why?
Mum: i want to go out.
B: do u need a ride.
B: umm are u mad at me?
Mum: no - i will just *loooooong sigh* take a cab
B: do u want me to call u one
Mum: which?
B: al mumayaz (arabic for special - don't ask)
Mum: how long will it take.
B: depends where he is..
Mum: well what is so special about that?
B: here's the #
Mum: a land-line?! that's not special either.
B: mum it's just a name..
Mum: a stupid name - i shall have a word with him
B: mum don't..actually do & then come back n tell me what happens i need to blog it :-D

Episode 4 
phone rings
Mum: hellooooooooooo
B: yes hello
Mum: hellooooooooo
B: jesus woman yes i hear u
Mum: good - are u awake?
B: i am now
Mum: good - do u have keys?
B: to the house? yes.
Mum: good - are u home?
B: yes..what..
Mum: i need u to open the door i'm coming home, no keys
B: when are u coming?
Mum: i don't know?!?!? how should i know???
B: uhumm.. ok where are u?
Mum: Jordan?
B: care to be more specific?
Mum: i think the borders, could be the Lebanese or Syrian, too dark to see flags.
B: too dark to read or ask?
Mum: if u're gonna be rude - i'll sleep in the street..
B: how does THAT help anyone..just miss call me when u're here..!!!

Episode 3 
B: 'i'm dying - i'm not goin to work tomorrow.'
Mum: 'ooo you can travel with me, i need someone to help me"
B: 'i refuse to be ur travel mate - A. i'm sick. B. u just want me to carry things. C. i'm sick"
Mum: 'oh come onnnnnnn تغير جو  (arabic for change of scenery)"
B: ' NO'
Mum: ' fine then, stop telling ppl we don't take u anywhere waa waa'
B: ' let it go i was 9'.

Episode 2
Mum: 'B u should really act less smart'
B:' Pardon?'
Mum: 'men don't like smarter women, they like women who need help opening a bottle of anything.'
B: ' mum!! that literally needs one brain-cell! i can't act less smart than that..i mean it's impossible'
Mum: 'well then don't complain that you're single'
B: 0_o ' i don't !!!'
Mum: 'well i do..i would like a wedding soon - before i die..don't break my heart.'
B: 'mum, i'm not throwin you a pitty guilt-trip wedding - sorry'
Mum: ' fine then, a party?'
B: 'mum..i have to go..'
Mum: 'me too dress - caterers..hmm invitee list...

Episode 1
Mum: 'hello, when ru comin home'
B: 'when i'm done with work, what do u need'
Mum: 'hair dye, kthx'
B 0_o :' wanna be more specific?'
Mum: 'umm anything light brown..& not so expensive.'
B: 'mum can u go to the salon, seriously it's on me - just don't improvise. it's ur hair ppl will see it..!!'
Mum: ' oh come onnnn Lady GaGa improvises all the time loooooooooool'
B: - ____- 'goodbye mother - we shall discuss this later'