Feb 17, 2018

Today I Am

I’ve been meaning to address this publicly for a while now but even more so in the past week.

I usually write when i’m down - it’s easier, you produce more content without sounding like an utter narcissist. Therefore, more people are willing to read and agree with you.  

Today I am frustrated. But I am also thankful and grateful. So there you go, it won’t be completely totally depressing post.

I have never been a healthy person. But in the past 20 months..I can barely remember a day where i had no migraines, no stomach pain, no fatigue, no shoulder/neck pain, no hypertension or stress.

I can barely remember a day when I was JUST…OK.

Let me quickly tell you a story; 20 months ago after my 32nd birthday (Sep’16) I went in for a checkup after a weekend of binging.

And the doctor diagnosed me as pre-diabetic with severe gastritis
I won’t go into details of the medical history, but that was like a slap on the face. 

Not for the fact, but for the implications it had on me, my social life, my health, my overall existence. And maybe a little about the fact.

I had to undergo treatment for my gastritis, with strong medication that caused extreme nausea and fatigue. 
I wasn’t allowed to eat 90% of the food i used to eat & 100% of the things i used to drink. 
I was requested to stop or cut down on smoking. It came with a long list of don’ts. 

In parallel i was on medication to help me reduce the sugar in my blood, which ads to the misery.

It was months of
“No, sorry guys i can’t come out”
“I can't, I’m not feeling well”
“Sorry, i can’t come into work today”
“I just want to go home and sleep”

And from then on, it just felt like one thing after the next that leaves me today - in bed, again. 
In pain, again. 
Uncomfortable with my body, again.

It's not that bad and I’m dealing with it, I am owning my reality. I am not sad or depressed, Today I’m just frustrated.

This post is more about the people who surround you, than you. So here we go.

When you are already frustrated and miserable, the silliest of comments have the biggest of impacts. I found a lot of support, and i mean A LOT! But sadly i was also faced with a lot of judgment and questions.

For every “It’s ok, feel better” i had to deal with “omg you’re so boring now”
For every “How can I help” i had to turn down a “come one it’s just ONE drink, don’t be lame”

Our brain has an incredible way of remembering the worst of things. It’s because we retain negative memories in our mind much easier and it leaves a bigger impact than happiness.

I had genuine fear, FOMO aside, that i couldn’t be me, couldn’t go out as much, couldn’t party as hard, not seeing people as often as i can. And i was right, all those things happened.

Most of the time i’m medicated so i don’t care, but this week, yesterday..today..i cared. So i let it get to me..hence this post.

This goes out to those who are battling small little wars and struggles that we may not know about. 
Take all the time you need, but don’t take too long, your body gets used to being lazy.

This goes out to those who support and love unconditionally, you are the true heroes, your words and actions mean more than the best pills.

This post goes out to those who doubt, judge and hurt, you guys…will just have to keep going out without me, till one day i do feel better (and i will) and you betchez better watch out. 

I miss my dance-floors and I miss my glitter, I'll make my comeback one day :-D