Jun 4, 2012

Late Night Rambles 1

*This had no tittle, had no date..but I can safely say it was early 2000's*

The sun is shinning..yes..But i'm shrugging an inner coldness, that can only stress the winter of my own discontent ..It makes my skin flaky & goosebumps invade my body..

A feeling of scary loneliness..i'm not alone but that never meant i'm not lonely..Sitting here, i have lots to say & i know few who'd listen, & i understand why they'd want me to talk..The question is, would i?


Do i have the strength & will to face their eyes? & not being able to translate everything i'm going through to human language, among other things..

I'm sorry for not being strong or having the will to do what i want to do or be who i want to be, to rise to the expectations of others, be who everyone wants me to be & do the things they want me to do..

To be free is hard, i give my consent to that..But the ability to try is what i lack..I want to rip the reason that makes me this way..Angry..& it sucks me to the jaws of anger, biting into my soul & makes it so underwhelming i can't breathe..yet..i smile..a smile is all i can & want to produce..

Sometimes it's like someone up there really hates me. or is out there to get me..maybe it's me being paranoid again, but when things keep going from bad to worse..you start to wonder..

They tell me not to let it get to me, well...umm..that's extremely hard to fight, when it's everywhere you look. in everything you feel & every sound you hear!! You want to or need to break free..i have been found guilty in many crimes i didn't even know i committed, being prosecuted for them in the harshest of manners & the most important things to me.

Everyman is an island, i wish to be banished to mine, this land wants me no more..My island is a distant land somewhere where noise produced by traffic is louder than my thoughts, it drains away my sadness & captures me in a cycle that allows me to slip away from reality..

My island exists, & i will find it..ONE DAY..hopefully in this lifetime..hopefully before i have one foot in the grave..

"I hate my Self & I want to Die' a sentence i carved on every desk that bore my fingerprints.. my tears have been shed, my laughs have echoed..there was no one with a shoulder for my pain nor an ear for the funny momments..


PS:
This makes me sad i was in such a place in my life..but it made me who i am today & for that i am grateful ^_^