Aug 13, 2012

That Particular Time

'Yet another reflectional post, adapted to Alanis Morissett - That Particular Time , this may or not be my story. Give it a read & let me know.

Like everyone with a sound mind, I have my very own, well devised foundations, they were rocked when you entered. So bluntly, so inexcusably, so breathtakingly strong.

As a firm believer of trial & error – learn from your mistakes; my tried and true way to deal was to vanish. I simply walked away; I didn't need to or want to, consciously cause myself hurt or pain.

My departures were as fake as a card trick, the disappearing act. They were old & fooled no one. Everyone saw it as an escape, and it was fine by me. I didn't even bother to explain it anymore.

But this time I sat in my room shaking in my shoes, I was outed – like a book you could read me – like a glass door you could see through me. At that particular time love had challenged me to stay & I'm so glad I was challenged.

At that particular moment I knew not run away again from you or this. I needed to know where this would take me. There was something at that particular month, I was ready to investigate myself with you and allow myself to go emotionally further at that particular time. And I was more than happy to do so.

After a while – the addiction grew so we (you) thought a break would be good

And for 4 some-what days we sat alone, each in their own separate way and vacillated. We (you) thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding. Although I saw no sense in it. 

Alas that didn't last very long, but at that particular time love encouraged me to wait, because I knew somehow that you'll come back. That maybe you'll have more faith this time around. Perhaps you will confide in me. Allow me to walk you through this.
It took all I have but at that particular moment it helped me to be patient, the sort I knew you needed to cross over. At that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant. To figure out what this was? Who we are? & where to go on from here?

As of late I've found that I wanted for you simply what you've wanted for yourself. Whether it was here or in some far away land. Whether it, dare I say, was with me or someone else. 

I wanted to save us high water or hell so I kept my words to a minimum. I kept my mouth shut at the times I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt, even though it took its toll, to the point where is physically hurt you. Unknowingly I pushed, & broke.

And in the meantime I lost myself, who is this person? Who is this weak, sad, home-bound person I've become?
lf I would have never fallen this strong or this hard, you could have controled your heart to stop and walk away, but you can't control who you love.

I'm sorry I lost myself! Simply because I have been dishonest to myself. I am.

You knew you needed more time, whether subconsciously or fully knowing Time spent alone with no distractions – to get over what you need to get over. 

The distraction being me, the intruder, the persona non grata.
You felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted – to reach a growth from within – your inner peace?

That's when I knew, at that particular time love encouraged me to leave – even though it would kill me to do it and it would wound me beyond belief.

At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me & I owe it myself to be honest with me, and in case you should ever want to fly back, I would be intact.

That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left, I'm leaving now as we speak, you have directly & indirectly, repeatedly asked me to.

At this particular time I'm giving in..I'm walking..

Maybe one day you'll stop me or walk with me.